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From Slavery to Freedom

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“If you are going thru hell keep going”
Winston Churchill

Hi to all my readers,

Here I am again, after a long break, writing about my long journey into changing my world around into a much healthier one.

It seems surreal to write a blog about losing weight, when I am going through the worst time in my life, mourning the loss of my First born son, Ron who was only 25 years old when he died last month.

After I found out Ron was gone, I couldn’t eat anything for a while and strangely, the people who were forever trying to keep me from overeating, were now putting forth their best efforts to get me to take a bite of anything. Everyone was suddenly loading plates of tempting food throughout the shiva and shoving them in my face. All my friends were baking my favorite cakes, the same friends that just days before were trying to take those cakes away from me.

Finally, for the first time in my life I wasn't hungry, but this time it was for the wrong reasons, and when it involves distress or sadness, not eating is a serious sign of decline.

We “the human species” do not know how to react when a parent loses a child. According to Jewish law it is the greatest loss a human can bear, and as a mother I can tell you that this is right and true, it truly is. The worst part is that everyone wants so badly to make you feel better, they just don't know how, because in reality there really is no right way. So out of angst they turn to the gluttoness glory that is sugar and carbs and fat and everything delicious. But when your world is shattered chocolate doesn't sound nearly as appealing as it once did, nothing really does.

When Gabi, my husband, was diagnosed with an early on set Alzheimer disease, I was too busy trying to solve the financial mess, he left behind and planning for the future, that I didn’t have the time to grieve the loss of my husband, lover, partner and my best friend, I kept busy till I finished all the immediate arrangement and then I got depressed without realizing how deep and why.
I covered myself with fat to keep me warm, over eating was my safe place, it gave me the false illusion of temporary happiness, but from the nature of things, it also made me extremely fat, unhealthy and unhappy, I became a slave to sweets and carbs and I didn’t know how to get out.

Starting the diet with Karin on January 5, and writing my blog, was my way of fighting the cloud that hovered over my life, reading back my columns, I see myself crying for help with words.
The tempting voice of hunger who whispers in my ears, was the voice of the depression that took over my life and my behind who stuck to the chair and refused to budge, was the description of my mental state that kept me at home isolating myself from the outside world, who suddenly seemed a threat and gave me a fright.

The moment I heard Ron passed away, I woke up, now I had a valid reason to grieve. I no longer needed to hide, it was ok to ask for help, I didn’t really have a choice, I was broken, I needed others to help me with my grief, I asked for professional help, which I currently get and I let my amazing friends start helping me to rebuild my life.
Over eating wasn’t an option anymore, it symbolized all the bad times, I desperately needed to leave behind. Changing my eating habits became the first step into my way to freedom, I cannot stop being sad, I just lost my beloved son, I will carry the sadness inside my heart for the rest of my life, but I can take control of my life.

Dieting is my first step into fighting the anxiety and despair that are trying to destroy my life. I am the sole care giver for my husband and kids and in order to be able to do so, I need to take care of my mind, body and soul and bid the fat and depression goodbye.

It is not easy, there are days when I can hardly put anything into my mouth and there are still binges from time to time

Addiction to food is the only addiction you cannot fight with complete avoidance as you can do recovering from addiction to alcohol and drugs, you must eat in order to survive,
I don’t know how and when, but I started thinking healthy, like I never did in my life, Karin made a difference, she gave me tools to fight.
walking around carrying inside all the wisdom that I learned from Karin, I am rebuilding my life back from the disaster they have become. Even the simple act of preparing snacks ahead of time gives me reassurance in the fact that my life is once again becoming organized.

Ironically, this weekend, we are going to celebrate Passover the holiday which tell us the story of how the Israelites left their life of slavery behind and started their long journey towards a new beginnings and freedom where there is hope and possibilities, where you are free to control your own destiny and overcome the tragedies and misfortunes of your past.

So parallel to where I am right now, thank you Karin for sticking by my side, you are one of my own guardian angels in disguise.

I lost 37 pound so far and 63 are waiting patiently on line, I didn’t weigh myself this week as I started working again and It was a busy and tough week for me, as It was 30 days since my Ron god bless his soul died.

Happy Passover to all of you, I am going to celebrate with Karin amazing recipes for Passover which have no gluten on sight.