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43 Days In

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“Success consists of going from failure to failure without loss of enthusiasm.”
Winston Churchill

43 days into my diet

Hi again to all my friends,

43 days are gone since I started my diet and I have to report that I did pretty badly last week. I let myself go over the weekend and even though I haven't seen Karin yet, I know I didn't lose weight this week, I can feel it.

It’s amazing how someone like me, who deliberately put herself out there for everyone to see, can still sabotage her own success.
It started on Friday night, I was in a hungry mood, I had just returned from dinner with friends, and I found myself still a little hungry and very bored, the most lethal combination, and inevitably………. all hell broke loose.

The thing is my dear friends, that when the fat lady binges, she hears only the tempting voice of hunger whispering in her ears, everything else becomes instantly mute.

I started with an apple, always good for a late snack and then I had one cracker to offset the sweetness of the fruit and then some frozen chocolate chips, that are always in my freezer and then another cracker and so on and so forth the viscious cycle continued.

The thing is, I emptied my house from tempting foods, so if/ and/ or/ when I went into a binge, there wouldn’t be anything worthwhile to eat. But those of you who binge know what it’s like. When you are on a binge nothing matters. You eat anything and everything insight just to feel better. Does that even make any sense? It’s like getting high in a way you just sort of lose your mind, it makes you feel good, and then eventually you self loathe.

The food doesn't even need to taste good. I ate a stale cracker with raw almond butter and sliced bananas for goodness sakes. I didn't even enjoy it, I just felt like I needed it. At one point I wasn’t even eating, I was inhaling the food.

I did this three nights in a row, Friday, Saturday and Sunday. I knew Karin was out of town for the weekend and in my mind that justified my actions a little bit (but my mind and reality are two very different things). Also, it just so happened to be valentines day, and although it is a hallmark holiday I don't believe in, I felt horrible not celebrating with my one, true love Food. My husband, on the hand got nothing... I was busy.

“My mission in life is not merely to survive, but to thrive; and to do so with some passion, some compassion, some humor and some style.”
-Maya Angelou

….But, today is Monday, it is a new week. I spoke to Karin and tolde her about what had happened thinking she would be upset but she, as always, gave me the best advice. “The weekend is over, valentines day is over and instead of starting you week in shame in guilt, start with more motivation to excel this week, to do better, to feel better, to look better.” And she is 100% percent right. Falling off the horse is not what’s important, It’s getting back on that keeps you moving forward.

I’ve worked too hard to be feeling badly and guilty. I work hard to feel good and that’s what I am going to keep on doing. One day at a time.

I am an addict
Addict to food
And in order to get rid of this nasty habit
I need to change
I am not giving up
I knew from the beginning that I am going on a long tiring and trying trip
I buckle my seat belt; I am ready to take off on this ride again
And no matter how hard and long the journey will be, I will get to the end
Cut thru the ribbon and collect the trophy
This time I will win.

I cannot fix everything that went wrong with my life, but I can fix this, I will fix this.

I gained five pounds, 20 behind, 80 to go

Till the next time after I weigh myself again

Yours Truly,
Michelle